I wish I could punch you in the face.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
