What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
