at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
