I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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