I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
