I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
