My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
