God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
