just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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