and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
