I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
