I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
