I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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