Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
