awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
