I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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