U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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