Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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