I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
