The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
