im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
