I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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