Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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