mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm too high and old for this...
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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