i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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