Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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