I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Randomize
