I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
