it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
