When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
