A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
