If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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