he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
