I just threw up on my dentist
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
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