Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
