If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
