I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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