I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
