In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
