fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
