Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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