I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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