My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
