I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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