I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
