you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
