guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
That accounts for only three of the penises
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
