I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
