Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
