I saw his package. It spoke to me.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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