did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
