I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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