I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
